the dating manifesto.
These are merely encouragements and
insights for you to consider. These are not to be memorized or dogmatized.
You should weigh the merits of each and choose to apply or dismiss. As a point
of reference, know that I (most likely) have hurt quadruple the amount of girls
you have and am now happily, though not easily, married, which should give
some, even if minimal, authority to this.
1. Always Evaluate - By this I
mean that as God has called you to live faithfully to His will (serve the
church and spread the Gospel) you are forever maturing. In your process of maturation you require,
desire, and need different things from relationships (some of these things can
be but are not limited to: wisdom, encouragement, challenge, liberty, intimacy,
stimulation, etc.). Try to figure those
out and develop/work at your closest relationships wisely. There are
transient relationships, which provide certain necessities for stages of life,
and there are permanent relationships, which provide the essentials for life.
Know that your dating relationship belongs in the transient/temporary category
until you become engaged. Treat it as such.
2. Understand the Nature of
Emotions - The heart
is a dark and enchanting forest and no matter the proximity of an observer
(friend, girlfriend, wife), no one will understand it, including yourself.
Because of this you must be careful with the vulnerability/emotional intimacy
you allow. This is done by limiting conversation on certain topics (personal
pain, insecurities, dreams etc.) in the perspective of time. As time lengthens
and commitment deepens in relationships, the more vulnerable you allow yourself
to be. It is valuable to remember that the more vulnerable you are the easier
and more likely it is to be hurt. Do not be naïve; every single memory, experience,
fear, dream you share is sacred. The more you share, the more you expose
yourself to hurt. Scratches from friends/acquaintances rarely scar, cuts from
lovers and family always will.
3. Love selflessly - This is the hardest and most
important. Love is chiefly thinking and acting for the well being of another
person before yourself. This means, most importantly, you are responsible for
how you touch and talk to somebody. This also means that you are always
thinking inclusively instead of exclusively. Your relationship should continue
to expand your love for other people (chiefly our Triune God) as well as each
other. Think of her first, for her future well-being, and you will develop a
relational structure of trust that is conducive to maturity and holiness.
Consider yourself a steward of God's daughter and someone else's wife.
4. Be Honest - Change is inevitable in every
aspect of life. Understand that, statistically speaking, you will not marry
this person and therefore the privileges and intimacy you will have with your
future wife are not what you should be sharing with this girl. Knowing this,
you should act in such a way that your relationship, in its most minimal form,
is a means to an end and, in its most maximum form, is a delightful opportunity
to learn more about the wonderful mystery that is woman, which will better
prepare you to choose and love your future wife. When an evaluation takes place
and you know that being together is no longer beneficial or conducive to who
you are as a Man of God, or who she is a Woman of God, then step apart. Leave
the space for both of you to be honest with where God is leading you in
consideration of each other and have the class to let her walk away.
5. Party - In every (appropriate) way have
a blast. Love in a careful but generous way that time together is not only
edifying to God but is encouraging to your heart. Affirm her in who God has
made her, orient your activities and conversations to stretch your souls and go
crazy. The beginning of your relationship (which is all of your time
dating until you get engaged) should be very social (inclusive/light
hearted/externally focused).
6. For
God - You are responsible for yourself and she
is responsible for herself (In marriage only are you held responsible for your
household and will be judged on how it was managed). It is important to always
keep your theology in the forefront of your life so that each action and
thought is measured against it and it is important/necessary for her to do the
same. Because of this, you will often be in conversation about His character
and creation as well as participating in actions for the furthering of the
kingdom (church, worship, prayer, etc.) but it is important to maintain your
individuality before the throne of God. If you remember the purpose of your
relationships (glorify God and love His creatures), it becomes clearer in how
to manage your relationship. If it is edifying, do more of it; if it is
detrimental or inappropriate, stop doing it.
You are not to be accountable
to each other but instead to God alone. We as brothers and sisters build each
other up and encourage a deeper faith but it is not our responsibility
or a healthy practice for boyfriends to monitor/measure/sustain/lead their
girlfriend’s "walk with God." This idea that with dating comes unity
is not only ridiculous but also damaging to the heirs of the Kingdom. You are one when you are married and not
until then. When you fabricate unity with inappropriate intimacy (through
conversation or physical attention) you
create disillusionment and set yourself up for difficult breakups.
7. Stop
touching- The thought that each relationship
should be allowed to participate in whatever
they both feel is appropriate is absurd. There is warrant to living
according to your conscience (Rom 14ish) but when it comes to physical intimacy
before marriage much should be avoided. I think it is spiritually sound to not
be intimate in any romantic way with someone until you are married, and then
only with that person. It sounds extreme (which if you read the NT literally, then
you realize the entire Xian faith is extreme) but personally I think it’s not
only smart but also right in so many regards. I understand how difficult this is
to practice (it wasn't by me until I married and realized the soundness of it)
so be as careful with your hands and lips as possible.
This advice can only be
understood in the perspective of Xian monogamy. We are called to live selflessly for eternity and the thought that we can
live selfishly before we are married and take whatever physical or emotional
satisfaction/pleasure we choose is adolescent. It is commanded for those
who have passionate desires to be wed and find fulfillment in their spouses. That’s
my advice. I understand it is extremely difficult but that’s not because it
isn't wise but because we justify sin with cultural norms. Final note, there
should be more young people married and less young people doing married things
with their girlfriends.
That’s it. Of course there are
details and elaborations needed for every point, but if you do these things: you
always evaluate where you are in life and the kind of people God is calling you
to keep around, you know that you are changing everyday and your actions should
be dictated in that perspective, you're a steward of her heart and body, and you're
honest with where you're at and you maximize opportunities to enjoy each other;
then you will be able to date without regrets and look each girl you dated
in the eyes when you see them next.
Praying for you and whomever you are
with, and whomever your future spouse may be.
zw
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